No More Beer

It's a vow I keep making to myself of late. I spend a fun evening with The Manflesh and our friends, consume five times more beer than everyone combined, make a drunken-fool out of myself, spill orange juice and vodka on my pants repeatedly, and somehow make it home with all of my possessions in tact and in my hand. The next morning, I wake up five pounds heavier and with a displeased stomach that imitates an active volcano. I spend the rest of the day in bed, drinking orange juice, and moaning to myself. "No more beer," I vow, meaning that from that day forward, I will only get piss-drunk with hard alcohol.

But because I'm unemployed (without unemployment benefits, I might add) I spend my days bored at home. Not depressed, miraculously—but bored nonetheless. Being unemployed with no money is most definitely the worst punishment one can suffer, because something as simple as getting out of the house and going to a cafe becomes an unattainable expense. After a week of being holed up in my confined apartment, applying to an endless sea of job applications that never lead to an interview, I look forward to the next weekend when The Manflesh and I meet up with friends. As soon as the first pitcher of beer is bought, my vow is broken and my lesson remains unlearned.

It Appears You Are Already In Our System

When applying to a company for the first time, there's nothing more disconcerting than seeing the message:

"You may have already submitted your resume to our website.

Our recruiters occasionally enter applicants off of the Internet or from other recruitment activities..."

Even more disconcerting is what happens after verifying that the name and primary phone number they have listed for you is, in fact, your name and primary phone number: You enter your account and immediately click the option "Previous Applications". After scanning the list of jobs you applied for, you realize that you apparently applied for two copywriter positions in December— about the exact time you were lazing around at your boyfriend's family's home during the holidays and not applying to any jobs because you had already accepted one. To add insult to injury, those two jobs you didn't even apply to have "REJECTED" written in glaring red words under "application status".

Damn recruiters— not asking for your permission!

Better Boring Than Sorry

I wanted to write something funny, but I didn't want it to sound so cute that the person reading it thinks: "what the hell is this crap?" and then hits the delete button on their email program. Instead, I went with the same old generic cover letter that everyone else sends. Frankly, I'm not surprised they haven't called back.

Maybe I should have tried the "what the hell is this carp" technique. Maybe I would have a job now. Or maybe not.

The Year in Review

Or: All of the things I was either too depressed to write about, too lazy to write about, or too scared to write about

I graduated and lost my cozy, fun, and completely awesome student administrative assistant job.

I was unemployed for 5 months. For the first week, it was like a vacation. After that, it was like running through Dante's 9 circles of Hell. During this period, there were a lot of really awful interviews on the scale of the Texas Chain-saw Massacre. There were also not nearly enough interviews- you know, the normal kind that balance out the chain-saw hell kind. A job was offered and then retracted after a day of work, followed by an exchange of many poisonous words when my promised paycheck never arrived.

I became horribly depressed.

6 months after graduating, an envelope came in the mail. It had two diplomas in it, which made me feel rather prestigious. Sadly, the feeling only lasted for a minute or two.

I took a two-month contract job where I copied and pasted cell phone help articles for Verizon Wireless' new website. I did a lot of re-coding of horrid HTML and some light editing and rewriting. Sometimes, I actually wrote an article from scratch, which made me happy. I had lots of nightmares about cell phones and Blackberries, but I was sad when the contract ended because I hadn't managed to save much money. The job did make me much happier, despite the long commute out of Seattle, the nightmares, and the boring work. After 5 months, having a weekly paycheck was just that exciting.

I started an editorial certificate program, hoping that it would help me get a job. Instead, it became another expense that I can't afford.

During my two-month contract job, I applied to over 140 jobs. Administrative, part-time, temporary- even a position that would clean up monkey poop at a research facility.

I went to New York, using a plane ticket I received as a graduation and going-away present from my awesome coworkers at my student job. While there, I stayed with my good friend, Dan. I had lots of fun, and spent some money. I also received a lot of calls for interviews while away. Then, I was so inspired by how good my friend's and his girlfriend's lives were, that I freaked out about my stale life.

I came home from New York and realized I was too poor to apply for graduate school this year. I also missed the deadline for the JET Program by one day.

I interviewed for a number of jobs- contract, part-time, full-time, temporary, and permanent. Only one of the many interviews went poorly, but it wasn't on the scale of the Texas Chain-saw Massacre. I did, however, encounter a lazy recruiter for a dream job who squelched my chances at a second interview that had been offered- all thanks to her laziness.

I spent the holidays unemployed and trying in vain to receive unemployment benefits. I later found out that I couldn't receive benefits because I didn't earn enough work hours while a student.

I was offered a part-time, temporary position at the UW two weeks before Christmas. I took it, and had to wait until the New Year before I could start working.

Spread a Little Cheer

I keep thinking about how all I want for Christmas is a job. I'm not asking for anything great— just a decent job that will pay the bills, feed me, and help me take care of my aging dog. Actually, that's all I wanted for my birthday six months ago, too. Fortunately, it seems like the power of my birthday and Christmas combined might just make that job appear. At the very least, my phone has been ringing off the hook with interview requests all day today. Indeed, very odd after nine months of scrimping and begging for the odd job and suffering through what may possibly be the worst (contract) job I will ever have.

But although it seems like this next year may be much better than this last year, it's too early to tell. I do have about nine months of hell to keep me from getting too excited until that first pay check arrives.

In the meantime, I finally opened a "store" over at etsy.com, and am trying to sell some jewelry I made during my more unhappy moments earlier this year. It will be interesting to see if I actually sell my stuff or not. A lot of people are making a big fuss about how Etsy is the new Ebay— for crafty types, that is. However, I just think it's pretty cool that someone like myself can sell all of the various stuff they create rather than having it acclimate into a giant pile of uselessness.

But, back to my creations. I'm pretty proud of said jewelry. Most all of it is stuff I think is incredibly awesome and would love to wear. However, I made what I'm selling mostly for cathartic reasons and it's all just been sitting in a jewelry box since March. Definitely time to clean out my coffers and hope that my creations end up with someone who will wear them. And hey, a little extra money would be nice right now— if not for paying the bills, at least for refueling my craft supplies.

Sipping Poison

My former boss asked me how I felt today.

How do I feel? I feel like I was really thirsty. So thirsty, that I asked for a glass of water. A woman I didn't know agreed, and soon returned with a glass of clear liquid that she set down in front of me. Grateful, I thanked her and gulped the liquid down. It was only then that I noticed the liquid smelled and tasted funny. The woman had brought me a glass of poison instead of water. And being so thirsty, I foolishly drank it before realizing.

That's how I feel. That's how I feel about working for one day, riding the bus for two hours to get home, only to walk in the door, answer the phone and have my newfound "employer" call to say that she found someone better. Someone who had a science background. Someone who could comprehend the chemical reaction between baking soda and vinegar for a children's rocket kit more than me. But it's not about me, it's because I, the creative writer, don't know anything about science and they specialize in science kits for young children. I'm a wonderful writer and have amazing design skills, so it really isn't me. It's just that it won't work out even though they originally asked for a creative writer with design skills. It's because I'm a creative writer that I can't possibly understand those kits, and therefore can't possibly write the marketing materials for them.

I told my former boss that I was very bitter.

Blah

I have a hard time writing when I'm depressed. And it looks like I'm going to continue being depressed until I get work. But if I stay depressed, then how am I going to get work? People don't like hiring depressed employees.

On Being Unemployed

In case you didn't know, I'm unemployed right now. That means that I have a lot of free time on my hands. I usually spend my days holstered in my apartment reading, making jewelry or watching movies on my iBook. Sometimes I write, take the dog out for walks to the waterfront or get up early in the morning and go to my P-Patch to weed. The weeks since I've graduated have blurred into one very long, hellish vacation full of mediocrity.

If I had known that I was going to be unemployed this long— as in "not even able to get hired in retail"— then I would have planned some daring cross-country trip using only $1,000 to survive. I would have written about it on this website and garnered international notoriety and a book contract. Who needs a job when you get a book contract? After all, writers are paid so well.

Happy-Go-Round

Because I have two interviews coming up, it's time for something more positive. I have this incessent paranoia that every time I send people a link to my portoflio page, they somehow find their way here and magically read every negative entry on this blog. And then, because they read all of the negative stuff, they think I'll be a horrible employee and never contact me for an interview. That, my friends, is why I have only had one interview in three months. An interview for an internship I never applied to. An interview for an internship I was "too qaulified for". "Too qualified" most likely translating to: "I read your blog and you scare me. I don't want you to stalk me because of this rejection, so I'll say something nice about you and tell you to call back in three months when I'm pretty sure some poor fool will have already hired you."

So, now I'm at the positive part. The only problem is I can't think of anything overtly positive to write. I've put the pressure on myself to write something so positive, it will counteract every negative thought I've ever had (including the doubly negative thoughts about all of my neighbors since I've been writing this blog) and make the next person who reads this want to hire me instantly.

The only thing I can think to do is to exploit my dog and post a really cute, saccharine picture of her. Maybe I'll add a caption that reads: "My beautiful master is so awesome, she saved me from her evil father and has suffered a number of horrible living conditions because of me. She also paid for vet bills that cost over $2,000 during one summer while only working part-time, taking classes full-time, and paying double the rent because her roommate/boyfriend skipped town to save money by living at his parents' house. For the entire summer, her only form of nutrition was pasta and beans and she lost over 20 pounds from malnourishment just so I could to go to the vet a lot and eat really expensive dog food. My master is that great. Don't you want to hire her right now?"

Like I said, this post is about being positive because of the two job interviews I have. Positive. That's right, everything you just read or saw is positive.

Bright. Happy. Positive. Smiliey faces everywhere!

Not Sure

I picked up the phone hoping it was Amazon calling to offer me an interview. This is how I respond to all phone calls these days- I pray that it's someone calling to offer me an interview. Of the countless jobs I've applied to, only once have I been offered an interview, and that was for the Apple Retail store, which I was rejected from the morning after my interview because I wasn't "special enough".

When this morning's caller turned out to be my uncle, who asked how I was doing, I immediately started crying. I swear, if I don't single-handedly kill off my entire family by way of cardiac arrest, then it must be some sort of divine intervention that saved their lives.

Someone, please, for the love of <insert god of choice>, for the continuation of all that is holy and sacred, hire me now!

Mindalee is Unemployed and Worthless

I've been working on a portfolio site for the past 72 hours. I'm excited to actually have some of it up on the web now- it's always like a burden is taken off my shoulders after I upload bits and pieces of my newest web project. Being able to see that it's finally starting to take shape after endless hours of staring at five different TextEdit pages full of code is what makes the thankless task of web design rewarding to me. I'll never be one of those people who waits until their entire design is complete before they put it up on the web- never.

Despite having the design mostly done, the content creation part is always the slowest- even more so than creating any graphics. Perhaps it's because I'm always so vain about my designs that I'll spend hours of wasted time staring at the overall design again and again when I could be finishing everything up. For now, the "about" and "words" pages are complete. The "resume" page is mostly complete- I need to figure out some sort of navigation thing for it. The "design" page is only partially complete as there are a lot of graphics and writing that need to be added. "Contact" will hopefully be done by tomorrow. As for "musings"- well- that one's going to take awhile longer, but it's the least important page at this point in time.

While I was finishing up the "words" page, I received a rejection email from Richard Hugo House for a marketing position I applied for. It's hard to keep working on a webpage I'm using for job applications after getting rejected for a job I really wanted. I stopped for a half hour and laid down on the bed, berating myself for how my cover letter must not have been perfect enough.

I was really excited about this position and even spent most of last Friday making what I feel was an amazing portfolio complete with matching resume/cover letter to show off my creativity and design skills. To not even get an interview after all of the time I spent on my application is really disheartening. To have them email me a rejection note after having my resume for no more than two or three days is also really disheartening. All of this being disheartened while working on "job stuff" makes applying for other jobs extra disheartening. Right now, there's a nagging, pessimistic voice in my head telling me over and over again that there's no point in applying for jobs when I'm so worthless that I'm only going to see rejection email after rejection email.

Wanted: A Life

1. I know I've been sitting at my computer too much the past few days when I can tell by the sound my hard drive is making that someone is downloading the leaked version of the newest Family Guy through DC++.
2. I know I'm not getting out enough when Tyler opens the door to leave in the early morning and I experience a violent shudder from the light of an overcast sky.
3. I know I need to join the circus when the most exciting part of my day consists of doing handstands on the bed.
4. I know I've been watching too much of the same pirated TV shows over and over again when I can qoute a question Darien Lambert asks his computer SELMA and then respond with a qoute from Lion-o speaking to Mumm-Ra- all the while having the patchwork conversation make perfect grammatical and contextual sense. (By the way, is Mumm-Ra some sort of primate, or does he belong to the feline species? I can't really tell.)

To make myself feel better during the various loser moments I experience throughout each day, my newest mantra is "not having a job will do that to the best of us."